Submit2God

I begin

Up I shoot 

The sunfire rocks tells me of ease,

 “ Spend your strength here”

Yet I save my strength,

 I twist and dance lightly griping with my hands, saving them. 

The first puzzle and past, I step with the lightness of a dancer. 

The grace of a bird flits in my hand as it flutters to rest on the hold. 

Crimp, heave, feet come under me and up. 

Yet now I am past the ease, the wall warns me. 

“ You have not the strength, you have not the courage, turn back.” 

My feet grasp as hands, edging along flakes, careful, hands sweat, bleed nervous tears. 

My mind begins to turn. “ beware, be careful, be quick, be slow. 

The ground lies below it is hard, full of pain, beware.”  

Yet I sneak past this flat plane, inching slowly, cheek against the wall. 

My friend and enemy, it is my comfort and distress. 

I am very near, the top is within sight. Victory a million miles away. 

Six times I have tried and six times I have fallen. 

Bruised and scraped, beaten again and again, this time again. 

My enemy the wall speaks. 

“ Turn back, I have been kind, I have been merciful, you have fallen your rope has saved you, but not this time. Fall again and you will smash yourself against me. Turn back.” 

My enemy fear speaks

 “ Turn back, you will be broken, crushed, cut, hurt, pain, given in now, give up now. None will fault you, none can blame you, give in now, the pain is not worth the fight.” 

My enemy fatigue speaks.

“ You are tired, you are weak, you are scraped and bruised, what hope this time, seventh of six? What point, rest now, only for a second, hang limp, come undone. Give up.” 

What hope have I against these enemies, and what drives me?  

Yet I push past them, crush my mind, beat my body, scream defiance at the wall. 

I reach up, fingertips, crimp, brace, foot, heel hook. 

My mind screams, “hold on, your weight is too great, your hold is too small, do not let go.” 

Yet I must let go. 

Up I reach scrabbling desperate

Is there any hold, is there a flake, a crimp, a jug, a hole? 

I find it, far, far out, stretched across the wall, knuckles scraped, fingers bleeding. 

Up the foot on that small shelf. All weight on that knee, the hands cannot hold yet they do. 

All my enemies cry against me. Turn back!

Yet I push, all into one moment, pressing up forward. Through. Yelling my defiance. And in that moment, I am victorious. 

What pleasure that drink is. 

All spoke against me yet I won.

I was my own enemy yet I cast all aside and, broken, stood atop the wall. 

Victory. 

notes

I used to rock climb a lot. It was very enjoyable mostly because it is both a physical and mental and emotional challenge. You need both physical strength, a problem solving mind, a natural balance, and a willingness to face fear and overcome. I do good on everything except the fear part. I have all the abilities I need to go up a wall but lack the courage. Yet the feeling of overcoming your fear is delicious. Surely all great men and women live on such a feeling, it is their bread and water, and only by eating it do they survive. The problem with climbing is once you do all the easy walls and overcome them you have to move on to harder things, and I never had the perseverance for that.

For anyone who cares about climbing this was on the providence wall near Columbia Mo. https://www.mountainproject.com/route/112469855/cheater-stone

Its actually to the left of this 5.10 and honestly probably isn’t above a 5.10 rating, but it was the first route I ever really struggled with and then beat. Also the first time I scream out loud while rock climbing. Nearly five years later I still remember the pleasure of beating it, probably the best feeling I’ve ever had in a sport.